ISSUES

[stephadoomable]

I feel like I'm never going to stop writing "aftermath" posts because this entire journal is being written in the aftermath of what happened. So I think I've basically caught up with where I was, and now it's just where I am, each and every day, and I'm sure that will change. Not just day to day but moment to moment. I actually had a good day for the most part. Busy. But my self esteem was pretty good because I got a lot done in my general housewifery including finishing up two pies and making another full meal that was ready just as Keenan got home from work. Plus cleaning, bathing kids and doing laundry. Where my pearls, heels and vacuum at? But as we were leaving for work Keenan went to kiss me goodbye and did this weird random thing where he made his mouth into a vacuum and sucked my lips in. I did not approve. I said eeeew gross, and gave him a horrified look as I wiped my mouth. Reception clear, yes? He said "Octupus kiss!" Then he took my head in both hands and leaned in to kiss me again. I closed my eyes and thought "OK, he's going to make it right now. This one is going to be sweet." But he leaned me back and came in hard and did the exact same thing again, even worse, sucking hard and pulling both my lips completely inside of his mouth. I twisted my head and pushed him away and said "Ew! No! Stop! That's weird and gross and I don't like it!" And as I was saying it I noticed that I was smiling and pushing him away lightly like I was trying to keep it playful but I also had tears in my eyes and I just felt awful inside. It made me feel truly awful. Triggered. I hate that feeling. Because I've been there so many times. I've been held and pushed against things and grapped and kissed by many people who I did not give the slightest permission to do so. I think every time it's ever happened to me it's passed me off, but as I've lived more and had more experiences and gained more perspective, it's just grown to piss me off more. Because it's just not right, to take control over someone else's body and do things to them that they don't want, ever. Even if that person is your boyfriend, or your husband. I just... don't like it. Like I said, it's triggering. And Keenan has never been that person to me. I've always felt safe with him, protected and respected by him,, and I don't want that to change. So now I'm in this shit place where I'm upset and angry and all I want to do is sit Keenan down and explain to him what he did and how it made me feel and why, because that's what I always want. Every time I get upset, I just need someone to acknowledge how I'm feeling and why and it's like I need that before I can be OK again. I just want to be heard and be understood, especially by the people I love and who love me the most. But now, here I am in my current situation, and even though I know things are supposedly OK and forgiven I know that they're not. Everything is different now. To some degree I know ill always feel like a villain. So now, instead of just having all of the above triggery feelings, I also have thoughts like, if I come to him and tell him that he made me feel like he betrayed my trust and didn't respect me, like all he'd have to do is raise one eyebrow and look at me like "really? You wanna keep telling me about all that trust betrayal and disrespect you've hat to put up with?" Like, seriously, I can't say shit. How can I? I man, it's the two voices always. One saying I don't deserve that, the other saying I deserve worse for what I put him through. I always feel like I'm standing on this unstable ground between standing up for myself and trying not to be a hypocrite and end up making things worse. I always wonder if having the conversation will be worth the result, or What that result will be. So that's where you come in journal, as my place to get this shit out and put it down when I'm not sure who to talk to or what to say. Because here it's whatever. At least for now. Someday, that may change as well. As with all else, time will tell.