AFTERMATH Pt. 3

Well, it's been a bit and I have done some healing. It's a struggle. Every day I feel like I'm battling myself mentally and emotionally, and I know I still have some huge mountains to move but a few have been moved already, and I'm not doing it alone. I have made some important realizations about myself that will help me live a better happier life eventually. Once I've given myself pernmission to do so. This journey, as hard as it has been and as much as it's ripped me open, has really caused quite a few positive things. Just the other day, I had a major breakdown. I've been having a lot of major breakdowns lately. I feel like I'm mostly not OK but I can mostly act like I am by staying busy. That not OKness is just below the surface though and sometimes the stupidest little things just shatter me. The other day it was tea. Keenan was sick, super miserable sick, and he asked me to make him some tea while he took a bath. I said I would, then got distracted by kids and cleaning. He got out and said "You never made me my tea." And I just fucking shattered. He didn't say it in a mean or judgemental way, just in like a "huh I just realized" kind of way because he had also forgotten, but I felt like a failure and just went into that place where I couldn't stop crying. I cried for hours. Keenan tried really hard to talk to me and calm me down. He eventually gave up and went to bed. The kids were scared which broke my heart. They hid under the table. That made me cry harder. They don't like it when I cry. But I got them to sleep eventually and then despite how utterly exhausted I was, I stayed up and continued to cry because I couldn't get myself to stop crying and I didn't want to wake anyone up. Keenan didn't understand why I was so upset of course and I tried to explain it through the breakdown, but... it's how I became after everything. I have so much guilt and fear, I always feel like I'm trying to make up for the past and make life in the present as good as possible, to make him happy. All I could get out while I was breaking down was "I don't know what standard to measure myself by anymore. I already know I'm not a good wife so I'm just trying to be as good as I can be." Everything I do is either trying to take care of my babies as best I can or to make him happy. It never works, but despite that... I feel like it's all I can do... the only thing I know how to do is be as perfect as I can. To keep the house as clean as I can, handle as much of everything as I can so he can have time to relax and have fun and when I drop the ball on anything like, forgetting to make tea for example, I just lose it. I go to a place of despair, thinking no matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough, and that place is toxic. He told me that I was way harder on myself than anyone else ever is. He told me... that I am a good wife, that he's already forgiven me and that now I need to work on forgiving myself.
So, here I am. Trying. I kept thinking it was impossible, because in order for me to forgive myself I'd have to be OK with what I did or justify it in some way and I can't. And I shouldn't. And I don't want to. And Keenan also said I shouldn't, but that's not what forgiveness is, is it? Forgiveness never justifies a person's actions, it loves that person in spite of their actions. So now I need to get to work on that next part. Not saying it was OK, but that it happened and I can learn and move forward. I need to get back to me, and do the things I love. Be creative. Do some artistic shit. That's when I tend to think I'm alright. At least I'm taking steps. I'm so sorry, to everyone I hurt. From the bottom of my heart and I'm sure I always will be. That will never go away. I'm sorry to me too. I'm sorry I put my actiona at such odds with everything I believe. I want me to be OK with me again. But like I said, it's steps. That may take a long time and a lot more work. But maybe the next time I forget the tea, I can just say "my bad."