WRITE LIKE NO ONE WILL EVER READ IT.

OK, here we go. Breath. I have had a lot of apprehension about starting this journal. And writing in it. But... I think I need it. For a lot of reasons. One of the many lessons I've learned, so far, from my fall from grace is that writing really helps me to clarify my own thoughts and feelings. It helps me sort through the chaos of my own brain. I also find it to be incredibly cathartic. If I can get all this shit out and down in a way that makes a modicum of sense, even if it doesn't, it's out. Writing is like my form of cutting or burning. It just, elevates the stress and pain a little. Makes me feel just that much better. And I need that. At the moment, I am always on the brink of a complete meltdown. The smallest things have been pushing me into hysterics. I need to sort some of this shit out. And, I need to start a dialog with myself. Because myself and I are not on good terms right now. If that can change, well, that would be good too. When I went back and read all my old entries, I was actually really inspired by the way I used to write. I wrote that journal like no one would ever read it. There were a lot of times I thought, "wow I was so brave, just putting all my feelings out there like that and using people's names like I didn't give a fuck." Maybe it was brave. Maybe I really didn't give a fuck. Most likely, I just assumed no one would actually ever care enough about me or my life to read it. Other than Celine of course, who is still here. Hi Celine! And co! And they may be the only ones to ever read this new journal, and that's OK. But whether or not that's the case, that's definitely the way I need to write, like no one will ever read it. So that is going to be my motto for this new journal. If I don't, it won't do me any good. I'm scared, because another of the many lessons I've learned recently is that everything you do will eventually come back to bite you in the ass. People you trust turn on you and betray you. Things you say and do get used against you. The things I put down here will probably have consequences at some point. If they do, I hope my future self and those bringing them down upon me can understand that at the moment I'm really broken. I need someone to talk to who will understand everything, and as much as I hate her right now, I've realized the the only person i can talk to that fits that description, is me. And boy do we have a lot of work to do. Strap in kids, it's going to be a bumpy road.