The Dark Side of a Dual Mind: Reboot (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stephadoomable) wrote2021-11-06 09:23 am
stephadoomable) wrote2021-11-06 09:23 am
AFTERMATH Pt. 2
I haven't felt like I've had the mental or emotional strength to write this entry, but I don't feel like I can write anything else until I do. It might not be everything, it might not go too deep, but at least it'll be a start, right? That's all I can ask of myself at the moment. Where am I? In an indescribably difficult place of limbo constantly bouncing between feeling like the luckiest SOB alive.. or DOB? Whatever. Person. Feeling overwhelming joy and gratitude that I've been given a second chance that I didn't deserve, that I didn't lose everything when I so easily could have, but then falling into these bouts of anxiety and depression feeling like it's just a false dream. Things are already broken beyond repair and there is no going back. Sometimes the reality of the situation is one way, sometimes it's the other. It's like there are two truths, two realities and every day is a surprise which one it will be or both in one. I've had so many fucking breakdowns. I don't think I've ever cried this often or this intensely in any period of my life. I feel like every day is a struggle for me to hold my shit together. And yet... it's gotten better in a lot of ways. We've made so much progress already and it's only been a couple months. See? This is how it is constantly with me. Hope, no hope. Hope, no hope. There is hope. There is always hope but some days... God I hate to say it but I'm really tempted to give up sometimes. To stop fighting. Not because I don't feel like there's anything left to fight for: there's everything left to fight for. I just feel the impossibility of it all sometimes. The pointlessness. So.... maybe I should just start with what I know.
Things will never be the same- will there ever be complete trust again? Doubtful. I don't blame him. Not at all. But the constant questions, comments, suspicions, it's all very hard to live with. I keep telling myself that I deserve it, because it's my fault and I brought it on myself. It's true. I can see it as a punishment and that way it feels just. Otherwise... it's easy for me to slip into feeling like it's unjust, because I'm not talking to Jesse, or anyone else, and that can feel a little unfair... and then it's easy for that feeling to make me feel like giving up and running. So, does fighting mean accepting a lack of trust forever? Can either of us live with that? But something else that tends to happen when things start feeling hopeless is that we both feel it, and it scares us and makes us both fight harder, which is good. Alsi, not all changes are bad. For the good, we have been learning to appreciate each other again. To check in and make sure we're not leaving each other neglected and in need. Keenan has been surprisingly supportive through all my many breakAlso, which is always comforting.
Something else I know- There's just too much to fight for. Too much to loose. When I first told him, he was in a place where he wanted to punish me. Make me hurt. And he did that by threatening to take everything from me. Himself obviously, our marriage through divorce, my home by kicking me out, and the kids through custody. In those days when I felt I was truly about to lose everything, I truly felt like I would have nothing left. Nothing of this life. And living through that has made me realize two more things I now know: I do not want to lose this life, anything or anyone in it and also... I am deeply deeply damaged.
Things will never be the same- will there ever be complete trust again? Doubtful. I don't blame him. Not at all. But the constant questions, comments, suspicions, it's all very hard to live with. I keep telling myself that I deserve it, because it's my fault and I brought it on myself. It's true. I can see it as a punishment and that way it feels just. Otherwise... it's easy for me to slip into feeling like it's unjust, because I'm not talking to Jesse, or anyone else, and that can feel a little unfair... and then it's easy for that feeling to make me feel like giving up and running. So, does fighting mean accepting a lack of trust forever? Can either of us live with that? But something else that tends to happen when things start feeling hopeless is that we both feel it, and it scares us and makes us both fight harder, which is good. Alsi, not all changes are bad. For the good, we have been learning to appreciate each other again. To check in and make sure we're not leaving each other neglected and in need. Keenan has been surprisingly supportive through all my many breakAlso, which is always comforting.
Something else I know- There's just too much to fight for. Too much to loose. When I first told him, he was in a place where he wanted to punish me. Make me hurt. And he did that by threatening to take everything from me. Himself obviously, our marriage through divorce, my home by kicking me out, and the kids through custody. In those days when I felt I was truly about to lose everything, I truly felt like I would have nothing left. Nothing of this life. And living through that has made me realize two more things I now know: I do not want to lose this life, anything or anyone in it and also... I am deeply deeply damaged.
no subject
Healing isn't a straight line. Healing isn't being 100% of a wreck, then 95%, then 90%, then ... and so on until you're fine. It's a roller coaster. It's ups and downs and chaos and randomness and sometimes it's been so long since you had a downswing that you honestly forgot about them and thought they were cured, only to have one out of nowhere that feels even stronger and even worse than used to before you "got better." (Hi, Sara experienced got hit in her weak point with something like this just last night, after having been fine for ages.)
You're making progress, whether or not it looks like it in the heat of the moment, whether or not you can feel it while you're standing in that dark place feeling all that pain. And you're making progress together, which is encouraging.
We believe in you.